


A Future Without You Seems Terrible

by scruffufflewilltriumph



Category: Clarke Griffin - Fandom, Lexa Woods - Fandom, The 100 (TV), clarkeandlexa, clexa - Fandom, the100
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2020-09-26 23:55:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20398261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scruffufflewilltriumph/pseuds/scruffufflewilltriumph
Summary: Clarke finds out she's dying.Lexa can't find herself living without Clarke.With whatever time they have remaining with each other, they try to make the best of it.





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Hi :) 
> 
> I know it's been year(s) since I've last updated or posted anything. 
> 
> But while looking through old files on my computer I found this gem sitting.. waiting... to be posted on here. 
> 
> I Will try to continue and try my best to work/finish other stories that I have up here. Like "time will heal" and "letters" for sure. 
> 
> It's been awhile since I found myself sitting down and writing, yet lately I've been in the mood to, especially since I found old files that contain the next chapters for the series. 
> 
> This is short, I know.
> 
> enjoy!

“What’s it like being in love with someone who’s dying?”

“You love them even more knowing that they’ll be taken away soon…” Lexa says clenching her jaw at the topic. 

“Are You scared?” 

“I’m not scared of dying, I’m scared of leaving her..” Clarke says reaching out for Lexa’s hand, squeezing it. 

“Do you believe you’ll find each other in the next life?”

“I do, but i much rather have her now then in the next, I don’t want to wait for another life time to be able to hold her again, I’d rather hold her now and hope it’ll last..” Lexa could barely get the words out. 

—- 

9:53 am, the doctor told them she’d be back in a second with the results. It’s been almost an hour, Lexa looks at Clarke, worried, they know, they both know. Lexa tries to keep Clarke’s mind off of their surroundings, the doctor’s office that seemed to be closing in on them. Clarke smiles up at Lexa, squeezing her hand, it wasn’t real, they both know how scared they are. 

10:32 am. The doctor comes back, no sign of a smile, no sign of hope, just pity, they know, they both know. Just as the doctor sits, Clarke speaks up. “Can you leave?” Lexa looks at her in shock, “Me?” she says glancing up at the doctor then at Clarke. “Y-yes” Clarke could barely say it. Lexa stares at Clarke, confused. She’s looking for an answer, they’re both going to hear the worst news in their life, and Clarke wants to hear it alone? Lexa was about to say something before Clarke speaks up. “Please..” Clarke says, squeezing Lexa’s hand. 

Lexa gets up and leaves, she says nothing. She stands outside the door, but looks through the window of the office. Clarke’s back facing her, and the doctor sitting across from Clarke. She watches as the doctor says something, she could barely read her lips something about “I am so sorry..” “The results aren’t good..” She just stands there as she sees Clarke break down, crying. The doctor gets up and hugs her. Lexa hesitates to barge in and hug the love of her life. She ignores it and turns around. She makes her way into the waiting room and sits there, surrounded by other family members waiting for their good or bad news. 

11:04 am. Clarke walks into the waiting room, eyes red, she fakes a smile and sits beside Lexa, resting her head on her shoulder. Lexa doesn’t say anything, they both stay in that position for awhile, ignoring their surroundings.

“Is it bad?” Lexa asks, knowing well that it is.  
“yea..” Clarke says.

“How bad?” 

“Months..” Clarke says, her voice cracking. 

Lexa’s world stops for a second, tears falling down her face quickly.

“3? 4?” 

“If we’re lucky” Clarke jokes. 

She doesn’t laugh, she just cries. 

—- 

They both head back to their apartment, to no surprise Octavia and Raven are on the couch asleep. 

“Should i wake them?” Lexa asks. 

“No, I don’t want to talk about it with them yet..” Clarke sighs. “I’m gonna take a nap” she says grabbing Lexa and kissing her cheek. 

Lexa watches as Clarke disappears into the room, she sits herself beside the two sleeping heads. She stays in the same position for half an hour, staring blankly at the coffee table in front of her.

“You’re back?” Octavia says, rubbing her eyes awake. “How was it?” Raven asks. 

Lexa doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t look their direction, she practically ignores them. 

“No..” Octavia says, starting to tear up. 

“Lexa..” Raven says, hoping to get a response. 

Lexa doesn’t flinch, their voices just fill the space that surrounds her as her thoughts are running frantically. The word ‘Months’ were echoing in her head. 

“How do you fit what should have been someone’s entire life into Months..” Lexa blurts out. 

Octavia and Raven fall back onto the couch, tears forming not prepared to say anything. 

“How can I fit all the love I have to give into months..” Lexa goes on, as each question pops up in her head she blurts them out loud faster than the tears that are streaming down her face. 

“Just how..” 

They hear the sound of Clarke’s bedroom door open so they quickly wipe their faces removing any sign of sadness from their face. 

Clarke walks into the living room hiding the fact that she’s spent all of that time crying and not actually sleeping. She looks at her friends and the love of her life, she doesn’t say anything but she knows that they too spent all of that time crying. 

“Its bad guys.” Clarke says breaking the silence while shifting eye contact between Octavia and Raven. 

“How bad..” Octavia asks. 

Lexa gets up “I’m just going out for a smoke” she says, she felt like a hypocrite, like an asshole smoking knowing that it’ll catch up to her one day and kill her. But she didn’t care, she was seeing this as motivation, thinking that if she’d smoke enough maybe she’ll catch up to Clarke. Maybe they’ll both have months left and neither one of them would have to live through life without the other. 

Clarke sighs, moving her feet closer to her giving Lexa space to walk through. “Pretty bad..” she says. 

“If I’m lucky I’ll make it to Christmas, but thats if I’m lucky..” She adds on. 

Octavia and Raven find themselves holding onto each other, tears forming in their eyes but they care too much for Clarke to let her see them weak. 

“Maybe there’s another way! Another option!” Raven blurts out. 

“I’ve tried, I’ve looked at other possible outcomes but nothing will prevent the inevitable..” Clarke says trying to put on a smile for her friends. 

“There must be something we could do..” Octavia says. 

“Just love me a little extra, be patient with me more.. especially when I can’t control how I react and hold me a little tighter when you can tell that I’m scared.” Clarke laughs, “because i sure as hell am terrified of leaving Lexa behind.” 

Lexa finds herself looking down the balcony of their apartment. Dragging the cigarette smoke in and out helps ease the tension in her body. But nothing was helping the thoughts that were running frantically in her head. 

A future without Clarke.. she couldn’t picture it. 

Lexa kills her cigarette in the ash tray that sat itself on the edge of the railing. She never thought she’d find herself praying but she did. “Hi..” her voice cracked. “to whoever is out there.. to whoever is listening, please.. i beg.. take me instead.” The tears start flowing. 

Before she knew it she was breaking down, all the feelings she was trying to hold in found themselves to the surface. She began to wail. Lexa couldn’t control the noises coming out of her or the endless flowing of tears. Every pain she’s sustained and held onto just found themselves releasing at this very moment. 

Clarke sat there trying to explain everything to Octavia and Raven when her words were abruptly interrupted by loud noises coming from the balcony. Octavia and Raven both get up, following Clarke they find Lexa with her knees up against her chest sitting on the pavement of the balcony. 

Lexa was trembling, her crying was so loud that she didn’t even realize Clarke, Octavia and Raven hovering around her. 

Clarke’s tears begin to fall, she kneels down and wraps her arms around Lexa. Placing her head onto her chest she lets her cry it all out. Clarke gently runs her fingers through Lexa’s hair, whispering words in her ear hoping that she would calm her. 

“its okay..” 

“im here..” 

“its okay..”

“i love you..” 

“im still here..” 

“Lexa its okay..” 

“i know baby..” 

“i know it hurts..”

“but im here..” 

“baby.. i know..” 

Lexa’s trembling slowly eases itself with the sound of Clarke’s voice. She holds onto Clarke a little tighter.

There was no way she could live a life without her other half. She was so angry at the world. She tried so hard to protect Clarke yet she wasn’t able to protect her from this.


	2. TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is doing okay during this pandemic. 
> 
> It's been giving me a lot of time to write recently, so I've been writing a lot. I hope I can keep up and maintain this. I know i say that a lot I just keep jumping from projects to projects. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this! Stay safe everyone!!

“How is she?” Octavia asked bringing in a glass of water and handing it to Clarke. 

“I’ve never seen Lexa like that before” Raven says as she leans against the wall with her arms crossed. 

Clarke sat beside Lexa who was fast asleep, they were still trying to process what they had seen. It broke everyone’s heart seeing Lexa break down like that. This was the first time they’ve seen her so vulnerable, she was always the strongest one in any situation. She barely shed a tear when she found out her parents died, let alone when her high school sweet heart Costia had died too. 

“Have you ever seen her like this before Clarke?” Raven asks.

Clarke takes a deep breath in, letting out a sigh she recalls the very first time she had seen Lexa have a panic attack. “Once.” Grabbing Lexa’s hand Clarke begins to rub her thumb along the back of her hand, writing ‘I Love You’ in small motions. “It was 3 months after her parents died..” Clarke says. 

* * * 

Clarke was worried about Lexa, they had just started to get to know each other but Clarke knew that Lexa would mean a lot to her. Seeing her in pain hurt Clarke more than anything. She couldn’t understand why Lexa had no reaction to the death of her parents. She knew that Lexa and her parents weren’t close to each other, Lexa grew up in a household where affection, love, and anything in between meant weakness. Yet they were still Lexa’s parents and the fact that Lexa barely even flinched about their death made Clarke worry even more. She knew that Lexa was just holding everything in, she reassured her that she was there and that despite only knowing each other for a bit she’d still be there in a heart beat. 

It wasn’t until one night when Clarke received a call in the middle of the night, it was 3 months exactly after Lexa’s parents had died. It was 3 am when Lexa called her. 

“L-Lexa? is everything okay?” Clarke whispered she was barely awake but frantically rubbing her eyes she got out of bed just in case. Clarke made her way to grab her jacket and her keys she just knew, she had this gut feeling all day that something was off. And the moment she saw Lexa’s name appear on her phone everything just clicked. 

“C..Cl..Clarke… please come… I… I need you.” she heard on the other end, there was sobbing in between and the moment Clarke heard Lexa’s broken voice, it broke her heart. 

“I’m coming.” Clarke whispered softly, “I’ll be there okay? I’ll be there as soon as I can…” she added. 

“okay..” Lexa whispered back, her voice breaking. 

Clarke heard a little whimper before the call was ended, she didn’t realize it but tears found themselves forming in her eyes. Hearing Lexa’s broken voice hurt so much, she couldn’t understand why it hurt that much but it did and before she knew it she was running out of her room. She was out the door in her pjs 10 seconds after Lexa hung up. 

Lexa’s apartment was a 20 minute drive away from hers, but the thought of Lexa crying, hearing her broken voice, and possibly because it was also 3 am Clarke had somehow made it there in 7 minutes. She passed through so many stop signs and red lights, but she didn’t care even if it meant waking up to 5 tickets the next day. 

Clarke found her way up and in front of Lexa’s door, the good thing was that Lexa lived in a pretty modern condo which meant it was built recently and that most the doors didn’t need keys. Clarke knew the passcode to Lexa’s so it wasn’t a hassle to get in knowing that Lexa wasn’t probably going to open the door. Quickly putting in the passcode Clarke found herself breathing in preparing herself, she didn’t know what state Lexa would be in so she knew she had to be strong no matter what and that she had to put on a brave face for her. 

As soon as she walked in she instantly heard a soft sob, as if someone was trying so hard not to be heard. Closing the door behind her and stepping in a bit more Clarke saw Lexa wrapped up in a ball hidden between her couches. She was staring into nothing crying. Her voice was faint but she can hear her calling out for her.

The sight of Lexa in this state made her heart sink to the pits of her stomach. At this instant Clarke had promised to herself to ensure Lexa would never have another panic attack alone. 

As Clarke knelt down Lexa looked up and was met with Clarke’s eyes. Just by looking into her eyes eased Lexa a lot. She took a deep breath and smiled at Clarke. “I’m sorry.. I know its late” she says. 

“shhh… it’s okay, im here” Clarke says as she wraps her arms around the brunette. “I’m here” she kept repeating. Lexa eased herself even more into Clarke and found herself calming down as she listened to the beat of Clarke’s heart. 

* * *

"but it was never as bad as today" Clarke says. 

Everyone let's out a quiet sigh. Octavia and Raven didn't know who to look after first, Clarke or Lexa.

After what felt like 3 hours and Lexa was still asleep Clarke got up to grab her computer, opening it she types in a website. The screen lit up and the loading page popped up, just moments later the screen is filled with pictures of Clarke and Lexa. Clarke had been secretly maintaining a blog where she would write Lexa letters, it was a place she could write all their stories and everything they have been through together. An online scrapbook of the love they've grown together. Seeing this blog made Clarke smile each time she opened it, she was saving so many stories, letters and pictures of the two of them. Clarke had planned to show this blog to Lexa when she would propose, however given the circumstances now Clarke had decided days ago that it would be given to her when she was gone. 

The last post she had posted was the day she got a call from the doctors asking her to come in, she just knew. Looking back at Lexa to ensure she was still asleep Clarke begins to read what she posted last. 

[ I don't want to leave you behind. I don't understand what is happening, I cant process what is being said. The moment the doctor had called me to tell me to come in I just knew. I knew it can't be good. I'm scared. Yet I'm more scared of hearing that I would have to leave you soon. Hear that I would have to leave you behind. And I don't want that. I never wanted that. We have so much more to do together. So much more things to explore, people to meet, and families to start. How do you leave someone you love? I don't want to think about the state I would have to leave you in when I'm gone. I will fight and fight and fight and fight my way through this if it means being with you just a bit longer. Lexa, I love you. More than you could ever imagine. ]

Tears were filling Clarke's eyes, she scrolls even further. 

[ April 21 : Lexa is such a dork, we walked into this cute little candle shop we found and she squealed so high! The owner of the store was so touched that Lexa shared the same excitement for candles as she did that she gave Lexa 50% off!! Lexa couldn't stop smiling though, it was the cutest thing ever. We spent about 4 hours in there, I mostly spent it watching in awe that Lexa knew so much about candles. Her and the store owner talked for hours about the perfect scent! Anyways, we came home with 50.. FIFTHY candles!!! I love my cute little dork though, I love her so much. Lexa, when you're reading this.. don't get upset when I bring home FIFTHY art supplies!!! ] 

Attached was a picture of Lexa holding up 2 candles with the biggest smile on her face. Clarke laughed a little to herself, remembering these memories was giving her the energy she needed to get through whatever this unknown journey was going to be. She takes a deep sigh and presses the 'add post' button, with tears in her eyes she begins to type. 

[ Unfortunately love I have to leave you eventually. I have never seen you this hurt, I have never seen you this broken. I'm so sorry I am causing this. I'm so sorry I can't fulfill my promise of forever. I can't even begin to imagine being without you. My heart aches at the thought of you crying. I wish I could live longer. I wish I could stay longer. I wish we had met sooner. But baby please I beg don't let this stop you from living, from loving. Baby please, I beg, to live your life the way you want no matter what..

The doctors told me I have about 2 weeks to live. I didn't tell Lexa exactly how long yet, I'm scared. 2 weeks is not long enough. How do you fit a lifetime of love into 2 weeks.. Lexa when you read this, please don't get mad that I was not able to tell you we only had 2 weeks left. I can handle a lot of things. I can handle this pain that this illness will give me. But the one thing I can't handle is seeing you broken, seeing you break down because of me. I know I'm being selfish but baby please understand. Lexa, I love you so so so so much. ] 

Clarke hovers over the 'attach a file' button and includes the very first picture they took together. Clicking the 'post' button Clarke was bawling now, she was having such a hard time processing everything. The hardest was processing how Lexa would be without her by her side. Moments after she posted messages and comments were flooding towards her, Clarke never anticipated that the moment she would create this blog it would attract enough people. But it did, somehow people were drawn to hers and Lexa's love story. It made her smile reading all these messages. All these caring people that were sending prayers and love. 

[ I'm so sorry Clark. I hope you and Lexa spend these 2 weeks with lots of love and care - @gustus34 ]

[ no, no no. this can't be real. this is a joke? right? you guys are my favourite ever.. - @jmurphs ]

[ i can't even imagine the things that go through your head when you know you have to leave the love of your life ): - @gaia ] 

[ you guys will find your way back to each other, in any life time, in any life form. you guys are karmic partners I just know it. love you guys. - @lunaaalala ] 

Deleting her tab and closing her laptop Clarke makes her way beside Lexa, laying beside her and wrapping her arms around her the brunette wakes up. Lexa opens her eyes and smiles right away at the sight of the blonde staring back at her. But it quickly fades as Lexa is reminded that soon she would wake up to empty. Lexa's smile disappears and Clarke frowns. 

"Baby.." Clarke says cupping the side of Lexa's cheek. 

"mmm?" Lexa hums, Lexa was trying so hard not to cry. She doesn't know how to face the woman she loves who will soon be gone and not cry. 

"I love you." Clarke says, she always knew what to say but this time was different. She was running out of words, running out of the right things to say. She didn't know how to approach Lexa. 

Lexa's smile returns at hearing this but its followed quickly with an ache. "I love you to--" was all Lexa could manage to say before she burst into tears. Clarke sighs but before she could compose herself she starts to cry too. The sound of Clarke crying woke Lexa up, all this time she's been so focused on one day not having Clarke there that she was forgetting that Clarke was there right now. Lexa wipes her face quickly and holds Clarke closer to chest, tightly squeezing her Lexa brings her hand up and starts to run her fingers through Clarke's hair. 

"Baby I'm sorry. I've been so selfish baby I'm sorry." Lexa says. 

Clarke doesn't say anything, she couldn't stop herself from crying.

"I love you" Lexa whispered

"I love you..." Lexa kept whispering "I'm here, its okay" she adds. 

Clarke continued to cry everything was slowly starting to hit her and she knew this was going to be the hardest thing she would ever have to face.

"I'm sorry baby, I was so focused on myself yet you're the sick-" Lexa stops herself, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath she recollects her thoughts. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.." she kept repeating as she squeezed Clarke tightly closer to her chest. Clarke eased into her chest and started to calm down at the sound of Lexa's heart beating. The two eventually fall asleep. 

Raven and Octavia walked into their room and saw the two girls sound asleep. It was a bittersweet moment seeing the two girls wrapped around each other. 

"How do you even live knowing someone you really care about is dying?" Octavia asks. 

"How do you even live after someone you really care about dies?" Raven asks. 

Raven sits down beside Clarke while Octavia sat down and sits beside Lexa, staring at the two girls sleeping they look at each other sharing the same expression. One meaning they were about to go through hell and two, they would soon have to pick up the pieces and eventually make sure Lexa would be okay no matter what. The two girls wrap themselves around the two sleeping girls. It didn't take long but eventually all 4 girls were fast asleep.


	3. THREE

It was a few days later, things were starting to get back to normal, a new normal. Clarke was getting weaker as the days passed but she did everything she could so the others wouldn’t notice, but they did. Eventually Clarke’s parents moved into a hotel nearby, Abby and Jake knew how long Clarke had. They understood why Clarke was keeping it a secret from Lexa but they didn’t agree with it. 

“You have to tell her Clarke.” Abby said as she began to fold Clarke’s clothes that were fresh out of the dryer. 

“I know, I just don’t know how to.” Clarke sighed, she’s been in bed all day but she knew that if Lexa saw her out of bed it would worry her even more. Clarke needed her rest. 

“It won’t be fair either way, but she has to know, she has to prepare herself.” Abby added. 

They heard the faint laughter coming from outside their room where Jake, Lexa, Raven and Octavia found themselves listening to Jake retell stories of baby Clarke. Eventually as the news began to spread most of Clarke’s friends began to stop by. 

Bellamy dropped by first, he was one of the first few who heard the news the day of. Octavia had called him and told him everything, Bellamy spent 4 hours on the phone with Clarke crying. He bought his plane ticket that day and flew in as soon as he could. 

Anya came afterwards, she had received a call from Lexa in the middle of the night. Anya was Lexa’s best friend and has been up to date with everything that was going on in her life. It made sense that when Lexa began to break down at night as Clarke slept, she dialled her best friend’s number and told her everything. Anya showed up that morning, to spend more time with Clarke but to also comfort Lexa. 

Eventually more people began to show up, it was no problem but it started to overwhelm Clarke. She wanted to spend as much time with everyone as she could but she was starting to connect the time being spent with loved ones as death getting closer. To be honest the only person Clarke really wanted to spend all her day with was Lexa. 

“She has to know.” Abby interrupts Clarke’s deep thought. 

“mhmm..” Clarke hummed, this was her way of indicating that she was done talking about the topic. 

Soon Lexa walks into the room with a glass of water and Clarke’s pills. “Are you hungry?” Lexa asked Clarke. 

“Not yet” Clarke said smiling, grabbing the pill from Lexa’s hand and taking the glass of water with it. 

“I booked us tickets to that exhibit that you’ve been wanting to go to! Unfortunately they didn’t have any bookings any time soon so we have to wait 3 weeks but that should be alright?” Lexa said smiling.

Clarke’s heart sank at the sound of Lexa’s excited voice, 3 weeks didn’t seem that far away but 3 weeks isn’t even certain for Clarke. Abby sighed out loud, she didn’t mean to it just came out of her, but it was her way of reminding Clarke about what they were just talking about. 

“Lexa, I have to tell you something.” Clarke sighed, signalling Abby to step out of the room. 

Leaving the clothes on Clarke’s bed Abby begins to walk out the door just when Jake pops his head in. 

“I’m grabbing us some ice cream cake! Clarke i’ll get your favourite!!” He said delighted. 

“Yes please!!” Clarke said back smiling brightly at her father. 

Abby shakes her head, placing her hand on Jake’s chest slowly pushing him out of the room. “What?” you could hear Jake whisper as their bedroom door closes behind them. 

“What is it?” Lexa asked, she sat in front of Clarke. 

Clarke didn’t want to say it, she didn’t want to say anything at all especially seeing Lexa look at her like she meant the entire world to her. 

“When the doctors said I had a certain amount of time left..” Clarke just blurted out, a million thoughts going through her head. 

Lexa looked at her worriedly, reaching for Clarke’s hand she sat there waiting for Clarke to continue. 

“…Lexa I only have two weeks..” Clarke began to cry, “…I’m sorry I should have told you sooner but I was just scared” Clarke added, crying even harder. 

Lexa sighed, her eyes filling up with tears she gets up on the bed with Clarke and holds her tight. 

“I will just have to fit all the love I’ve ever felt for you and will feel for you, into two weeks.” Lexa said tightening her grip on Clarke. 

“It’ll be hard to, but if two weeks is all that I’ll have with you, then I will make the best out of it.” she added. 

This eased Clarke, it gave her a sense of peace, Lexa was slowly coming to terms with what was going on. It still broke her heart but it eased her knowing that maybe it will eventually get easier for her. 

“I love you” Clarke said. 

“I love you too.” Lexa replied. 

\- - -

Clarke kept updating her blog, this time updating it with little things, like the way Lexa looked as she cooked Clarke’s favourite meals. The way her laughter filled Clarke with so much joy, soon enough her blog started to get enough attention, it started to gain more followers. People were so invested with their love story, more so now that Clarke was dying.

To Clarke’s surprise she woke up to an email from her local news reporters, they stumbled upon Clarke’s blog and was so touched with their love story that they wanted to meet them and interview them. Clarke hesitated since it might mean exposing her blog to Lexa too soon, however after talking to Octavia and Raven they came up with the best plan. 

They would tell Lexa that they had told a friend about Clarke’s situation, a friend who had happened to be working with the local news. Telling Lexa that they loved their story so much that they wanted to meet them. The news reporters agreed to keep Clarke’s blog a secret from Lexa, it was the one thing Clarke didn’t want being spoiled. 

Days went by super fast, eventually it was the day of the interview. The interviewers quickly ran through what was going to happen to Clarke and Lexa. Lexa was still very iffy about doing an interview but since Clarke wanted to do it, she was all for it. The interviewer expressed how sad she was to hear about Clarke’s situation, but how their love story made her have hope. Eventually it was time for them to be on air, not prepared of what was going to be asked or what was going to happen Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand to remind her she was still there. 

“What’s it like being in love with someone who’s dying?” the interviewer asked.

“You love them even more knowing that they’ll be taken away soon…” Lexa says clenching her jaw at the topic.

“Are You scared?” the interviewer said, it was more directed words Lexa but for some reason Lexa couldn’t get herself to answer.

“I’m not scared of dying, I’m scared of leaving her..” Clarke says reaching out for Lexa’s hand, squeezing it. She could sense how uncomfortable Lexa was getting, she began to regret ever agreeing to this interview but she knew in the long run Lexa would need this. 

“Do you believe you’ll find each other in the next life?” the interview asks.

“I do, but i much rather have her now then in the next, I don’t want to wait for another life time to be able to hold her again, I’d rather hold her now and hope it’ll last..” Lexa could barely get the words out.

“If I could, I’d just jump into another life where we found each other again and happy.” Clarke adds.

“What do you think will hurt the most, dying or leaving her?” the interviewer asked. 

“That’s a tough one, but I think personally, when you die it’s sort of peaceful, it just happens. But leaving Lexa..” Clarke says looking at Lexa with tears in her eyes, “..that hurts, that thought constantly hurts, it aches, it’s the most painful thing ever.” Clarke says. 

The interview went on, asking small questions after the hard ones. Clarke and Lexa retelling their love story. When the interview was done there was not one single dry eye in that room. Even the camera crew found themselves crying at the tragedy that was about to face Clarke and Lexa.

The girls found themselves home, Octavia and Raven were sitting on the couch the coffee table filled with used tissues and empty beer bottles. 

“what happened?” Clarke asked

The girls cried out, “We watched your interview!!” 

Clarke laughed, “Where’d my parents go?” she asked. 

“Jake and Abby cried too after watching you guys! Then suddenly Jake had the greatest idea, he didn’t want to tell us, he wants it to be a surprise so he went out with Abby.” Octavia says. 

Lexa who was keeping quiet sat down on the couch, patting her lap so that Clarke could sit on her. Clarke followed through and sat on Lexa’s lap, suddenly Lexa’s arms wrapped themselves around Clarke and Lexa squeezed tightly. “I love you so much it hurts.” Lexa said out. 

Just as Lexa declared her love for Clarke, Abby and Jake return with a bunch of food, enough to feed a village. 

“All of Clarke’s favourites!” Jake said, he looked so proud, everyone laughed at him each box had already been open, some missing a piece. 

“All of yours too?” Raven joked. 

“I tried to stop him, but we both got hungry” Abby said laughing as she walked in with more boxes of food.

They all gathered around the table in front of the tv, Jake had brought all videos of Clarke they filmed throughout her childhood. As they feasted they all enjoyed baby Clarke take her first steps, say her first words, and start her first day of school. 

“Oh no, please not this one!” Clarke blurted out, her mouth filled with food.  
“Please this one!” Lexa laughed. 

The tv had a video of baby Clarke running around butt naked dancing and singing along to an old song. Clarke looked like she was about 2 years old. 

Jake kept bringing in more videos, everyone kept eating more food, eventually the night was getting closer and all their stomachs were full and aching from all the laughing. The last video that Jake played was one where Clarke had visited her parents just after meeting Lexa. 

“Oh my gosh, no..” Clarke said covering her face in embarrassment. 

* * 

[the video] 

Clarke was just stepping into her childhood home and her dad already had his camera out filming her. 

“DAD! Why do you have that out? it’s been years since you used that camera!” Clarke said running closer to the camera trying to take it away from Jake. 

Jake swatted her arms off the camera, you could hear him talk behind it. “Because your mother said you sounded really excited on the phone and that you met someone! What if you guys get married?! I can play this footage!!” He added. 

Clarke’s face lit up, her smile getting bigger as she thought of Lexa. “Tell us about her!” Clarke sighed, tossing her head back before standing up and stepping a bit further away from the camera. 

“Fine!” Clarke agreed, she didn’t want to talk about Lexa in front of the camera just in case it didn’t work out. But then the possibility of it working out made her want to talk about her even more.

“She’s amazing! I’ve been seeing her at this coffeeshop but I never had the guts to talk to her, she’s so beautiful. Her eyes are so mesmerizing, she finally talked to me though! She said that she built the courage to come and talk to me! And that she’s just been going to that coffeeshop to see me!” Clarke’s smiling was getting bigger, her eyes lighting up. 

“I hear wedding bells!!” Jake said excitedly. 

“Her name is Lexa, we’ve been on a few dates, we talk every night. I really like her, I don’t know, I just have this weird feeling that she’s it, that she may be the one.” Clarke smiled. 

Jake moved the camera closer to Clarke’s face, “When you guys get married you’ll thank me for this!” Then suddenly the screen turned black and the video was done. 

* *

“Awwwwww Clarke!!!” Octavia called out. 

“That was so cute and cringey” Raven joked. 

Clarke kept her face covered, her cheeks were flushed red she couldn’t face anyone in the room.  
“Huh..” Lexa said. 

Everyone looked at Lexa weirdly, her expression unreadable. Clarke slowly removed her hands from her face and looked at Lexa, waiting for her to say something. 

“Wow.” Lexa said. 

Clarke nudged her, “what do you mean wow!?” Clarke said shoving Lexa’s arm. 

“I just didn’t realize you were THAT into me..” Lexa joked. 

Clarke made an offended face before pushing Lexa even more, everyone laughed at the two of them. “It’s just that when I asked you what your first thought of me was, I didn’t get THAT detailed version, I just got a ‘you were cute’ response!” Lexa complained. 

“You’re welcome” Jake said, Abby nudging his arm too. 

Everyone laughed, sharing more stories of Clarke and her childhood, which eventually found its way to Abby and Jake. They ended the night hearing the love story of the two and how they met, Clarke falling asleep in Lexa’s arms. 

Suddenly, in the middle of the night while everyone was fast asleep they had all fallen asleep on the couch until they heard a loud bang. Lexa woke up to the loud sound, looking down where Clarke was suppose to be Lexa began to worry. Quickly throwing her blanket off of her, and jumping out of the couch frantically. 

Octavia, Raven, Abby and Jake woke up soon after, only seeing Lexa get up and run frantically.  
Following Lexa quickly they hear her scream “HELP!” 

Clarke was on the floor, the lights in their washroom was on the water running and Clarke unconscious. Lexa grabbed Clarke and placed her head gently onto her lap, running her fingers carefully through her hair. 

“Clarke!” she called out. 

Clarke wasn’t responding, Lexa checked Clarke’s pulse her fingers shaking as she was hoping to find it. Finding a faint pulse Lexa eased a little, looking up Octavia and Raven are crying hovering over the two of them. Abby was on the phone with Clarke’s doctor and Jake calling the ambulance. 

This wasn’t good, everyone knew it, it wasn’t looking good. Lexa was just hoping for a miracle.


	4. FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one is short.

The doctor told them to tell the ambulance about the situation, the doctor requested that they cancel it. Given Clarke's situation there wasn't much to do, nothing the hospital could do. unfortunately as the doctor made their way to Clarke and Lexa's apartment, after checking all of Clarke's vitals and examining her. The look on his face when he turned to face the people Clarke loved and cared for the most said it all. Lexa kept quiet, everyone had questions and were concerned but Lexa just stood there, she wasn't ready. 

“I’m sorry, but she won’t make it through tonight.. I suggest you all say your goodbyes” the doctor announced. Lexa stood across the room, away from Clarke’s body laying on their bed. 

“Will she hear us?” Raven asks

“Yes, I’d like to think she can but unfortunately she can’t respond..” the doctor says.

No one knew what to do, no one was prepared for this. How can you even prepare for this? Everything in Lexa’s body wanted to scream, every ounce of her wanted to run but nothing was coming out. She was in shock. Seeing Clarke’s lifeless body on that bed. The bed they shared for years. The bed they first bought together when they moved in. Everything just didn’t make any sense. ‘Why Clarke. Why Clarke of all people’ was filling up Lexa’s head.

Everyone took turns whispering their goodbyes, Octavia barely composing herself as she threw herself on Clarke to hug her tight one last time. Raven after her couldn’t resist either, she was crying and retelling stories of everything they’ve been through and everything they were suppose to do together because they had promised each other. Jake after her, hugging his little girl, kissing her forehead and whispering ‘I love you’s to his daughter’s ear. And Abby sitting beside Clarke using everything in her to control herself so she wouldn’t find herself throwing her body onto her daughters. She whisper sang the song she would always sing to Clarke when she was younger.

“Lexa..” Raven said crying. “..you have to say goodbye.” she adds. 

Lexa shook her head, tears falling down. “I.. I can’t, this isn’t real.” 

“Lexa.. you’ll regret it if you don’t.” Octavia adds. 

“Clarke would understand if it’s too hard..” Abby said as she sobbed, her hands clenching her daughters. 

“I’m sorry I.. I just can’t..” Lexa said. 

Everyone watched her leave the room, no one knew what to do. The only person that knew what to say to Lexa was Clarke and she wasn’t here anymore. Raven and Octavia exchanged glances as if to determine who was going to go after Lexa but just before anyone could go after her Jake places a hand on both of their shoulders. 

“it’s okay, I’ll go talk to her.” Jake said as he squeezed the girls’ shoulders. 

Jake walks out the room and finds an empty living room, just as he expected Lexa was out on the balcony. She wasn’t smoking. She had promised Clarke a few days before that she would quit if it meant extra days with her. And Lexa was never one to break a promise. Lexa was sitting on the floor staring up at the sky crying. 

“Lex..” Jake said. 

Lexa looked up at Jake, she felt guilty, he just lost his only daughter and instead of being by her side as she breathes her last breath he’s out there making sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. 

“Jake I’m sorry but I can’t.” Lexa says. “I just can’t comprehend the fact that she’s gone..”

“Lex, she’ll always be here..just in spirit.” Jake adds. 

“Thats not enough for me..” Lexa says crying. “I.. How do I hold a feeling? How do I hold a memory.. how do I hug it? How do I start a future with it? How do I start a family with her spirit?” Lexa continued to sob.

“We were suppose to start a family together…” Lexa says.

“She’s always watching over you Lex.. you know that, she won’t ever leave your side.” Jake walks up closer to Lexa, sitting himself down he wraps his arms around her. Lexa doesn’t say anything, instead she just sobs whispering Clarke’s name. 

That night at around 2:34 am Clarke had taken her last breath surrounded by the people that loved her most. 

Raven, Octavia, Abby and Jake had offered to stay behind and stay with Lexa. Lexa didn’t say no to it, she was scared to sleep alone. They all had agreed without saying a word that no one was going to sleep in their room. No one was going to sleep where Clarke took her last breath. At least not yet.

Everyone was asleep but Lexa, she couldn’t. How was she going to sleep with Clarke gone? As she sat on the couch beside Raven and Octavia who were fast asleep she heard a faint whisper. 

“Lexa..” 

Lexa stood up and looked around, no one was there. She brushed it off assuming she was hearing things. Then suddenly very clearly she heard another “Lexa..” Lexa looked around frantically, “Clarke?” she called out. Opening the door Lexa found herself walking out of her apartment. The dark hallway would’ve spooked Lexa but as she watched the light flicker at the end followed by the staircase door opening Lexa slowly made her way down the hall. “Clarke?” Lexa called out louder. 

Suddenly Lexa heard it, a soft whisper coming from a voice she could never forget. “Lexa..” she heard, looking down the hall there was a small bright orb floating. This would have scared Lexa but it gave her a soothing feeling. The orb flew closer to her, finding itself circle around Lexa, spinning around her rapidly before zooming away back under the flickering light. 

Lexa watched it fly away, hearing whispers of Clarke calling out for her what first started as a faint “Lexa..” slowly made itself known. It was getting louder and louder the further Lexa stepped closer. 

“Clarke are you there?” Lexa called out as she inched her way towards the orb. 

“Lexa..” the voice called out. 

“Clarke where are you?!” Lexa called picking up her pace. 

Suddenly The orb bounced up and down screaming a loud “LEXA DONT LEAVE ME!!” before flying itself straight towards Lexa chest and disappearing into thin air. 

Lexa stopped in her tracks as the orb flew through her. “Clarke?!” Lexa called out, looking around the hall as the light that flickered found itself burning out leaving Lexa in darkness. 

Something in Lexa took over, panicking Lexa began to run down the hall screaming for Clarke. 

“CLARKE!” Lexa screamed. 

“CLARKE WHERE ARE YOU?!” Lexa called out again. 

“CLARKE PLEASE I NEED YOU” she called out. 

Running towards the burnt out light Lexa screamed out even louder. 

“CLARKE PLEASE”

“CLARKE PLEASE I NEED YOU”

“Clarke...”

“dont do this to me”

“please.. please”

As Lexa screamed out for Clarke she found herself getting weaker and weaker. Reaching the end of the hall Lexa dropped to the ground crying. Her voice filling the hallway. 

Hearing Lexa’s cry Octavia and Raven woke up, seeing the door wide open and looking around their apartment staring at the empty spot Lexa was suppose to be asleep on the two run out the door. Seeing Lexa on the ground their hearts broke as they watched her reach her hand out followed by a loud scream. 

“CLARKE!!” Lexa screamed out loud, it echoed through the hall loud enough that it rang through everyone’s ears. Sending shivers through anyone who heard it. 

“Clarke!” Lexa called out one last time followed by ringing, before she knew it white light filled the hall. The last thing Lexa saw was her arms reaching out for light before everything turned black and silence filled her.


	5. FIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end.

“CLARKE!”

“CLARKE!” 

“CLARKE!”

“CLARKE!”

“CLARKE!” 

“CLARKE!”

“CLARKE!”

“CLARKE!” 

“CLARKE!”

“Clarke...” Lexa said softly as she grasped Clarke’s hand. 

White filled the room before slowly Clarke began to get her vision back. Framed diplomas and certificates filled the room, looking around seeing pictures and books neatly placed on the bookshelf. Finally looking down on her hand where Lexa’s was gripping hers tightly. Following the hand tightly gripped on her Clarke is met by Lexa smiling softly at her. 

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked. 

“Yea, sorry, I was just daydreaming” Clarke said smiling back at Lexa. 

“I wonder what’s taking the doctor so long.” Lexa said

Clarke sighed, she was nervous. Who knew what would come out of the doctors mouth. Her anxiety grew the moment she received that phone call. Nothing good ever comes out of getting a phone call from your doctor. 

The room grew silent, slowly it was beginning to close its way towards Clarke. 

“Hey, no matter what we got this.. okay?” Lexa said cupping Clarke’s face and kissing her forehead. 

“Im with you through every step, i promise” she adds. 

Hearing Lexa’s voice made all her worries disappear, Clarke just hoped that no matter what the doctor says, no matter how bad it is she just wishes it wouldn’t end with her leaving Lexa too soon. 

Finally after what felt like forever the doctor walks into the room. 

“Sorry ladies, it’s been a busy day, how are you guys?” 

Clarke and Lexa smile at the doctor’s entrance. Exchanging small talk and small jokes the doctor finally pulls out Clarke’s file. 

“Good news, it seems that all your results came back good, nothing to worry about, the result came back negative!” the doctor says brightly smiling at the two. 

Lexa couldn’t contain her excitement, “Really???” Lexa jumped out her chair, excitedly she found herself run around the table and found herself wrapped around the doctor. “Thank you Thank you!!” Lexa repeated. 

“Lexa!” Clarke called out but unable to stop herself she began to laugh. “Behave!” Clarke yells out as her laugh fills the room, Lexa couldn’t contain herself as she was still tightly squeezing the doctor. 

It took about 20 minutes to convince Lexa to remover herself from the doctor, Lexa didn’t want to let go she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. In celebration Lexa decided to order all of Clarke’s favourite foods, she ordered everything at once to deliver at their apartment. 

Walking into the apartment they found Raven and Octavia asleep on their couch, “Should we wake them??” Lexa asked excitedly. 

“let them sleep” Clarke smiled. 

Wrapping her arms around Clarke, Lexa began to sway side to side, their worries disappearing. “I love you so much it hurts” Lexa said. 

“I love you so much it hurts but your love makes it worth it!” Clarke says back. 

Turning around Clarke and Lexa begin to slow dance to the faint sound of their two friends snoring. Pressing their foreheads together and locking eyes they swayed their bodies side to side, taking in the moment. Soon enough Octavia and Raven wake up from their sleep and watch as the two dance, smiling at each other they began to record them. 

“Look at these weirdos!” Raven joked. 

“EWWW!” Octavia added. 

Breaking their dance they face the two girls laughing, “You guys are just jealous!” Clarke joked. 

“I literally saw you and your boyfriend down each other’s throat once Octavia, you’re one to talk!” Lexa joked. 

They all laugh, “So what happened?” Octavia asked. 

“Everything is good, I’m healthy!” Clarke said, everyone cheered. Lexa sat herself by Clarke’s side but was interrupted by their door ringing. “THE FOOD!” Lexa said excitedly. 

“FOOD?!” Octavia and Raven asked excitedly rushing towards the door. The three girls found themselves fighting to get through the door, Lexa shoving the other two out of the way yelling out “HEY I PAID FOR THIS!!” The delivery guy looked at them weirdly, trying to avoid them but also being careful with their food. 

“YOU ORDERED SO MUCH!” Octavia yells. 

“ALL OF CLARKES FAVOURITES! WERE CELEBRATING!” Lexa defends. 

“I LOVE IT!! GIVE IT!” Raven yells out as she grabbed the bag the delivery guy was carrying. 

Clarke stood behind them, laughing at the sight of the three girls. Making eye contact with the delivery guy she mouths “I’m sorry” before they both exchange a laugh. Clarke sat herself down, putting in a site on her phone, her blog appearing on her screen she begins to add a post. 

[ Everything seems good, everything feels good. I am so lucky to have so many people surround me with love. Lexa is such a dork! She hugged the doctor today, like HUGGED HUGGED, the poor doctor wanted to leave but couldn’t. She couldn’t contain her excitement, but I love that instead of hugging me first after hearing the good news, she hugs the doctor. My little dork. She bought me more art supplies on our way home.. FITHY ART SUPPLIES! AHH I’m in heaven! She also bought me all my favourite foods, Octavia, Raven and her are currently fighting for it. I love them so much. I love her so much. Lexa, when you read this just know.. ALWAYS HUG ME FIRST. Next time I won’t let you off easy! ] 

Clarke hovered over ‘attach file’ pressing it she added a picture of the three girls standing in front of the door each holding heavy bags of food, their expression indicating that they just accomplished something great. 

They all spent the night in front of the tv, eating the food, laughing at jokes, and scrolling through multiple movies trying to figure out what to watch before eventually giving up and just searching up funny fails on youtube. The night was filled with lots of laughter and love, Clarke was so happy she could die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading yet another one of my stories! I hope you enjoy. (: 
> 
> I had the summary for this saved up for awhile, I just decided to just go through with it and finish it, sorry if its short!
> 
> stay safe everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all the support in all that I write! I know I am not the best at writing, but looking back to my writing style and now, I can say that I have definitely improved! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this and continue to enjoy all the other works that I will possibly put up.  
Thank you!
> 
> And yes, I am still a Clexa shipper.


End file.
